With the sky and the stars, there’s no falling out of love.

It was at the middle of a night. She woke up with a start groping in the dark. She checked her phone. 1 am it read. No missed call. No messages. She felt alone. She couldn’t sleep. She wanted to let her heart out to someone. She opened her journal. And started writing…

“I believe that I’ll never find someone I love as much as you. I don’t say that because I am a cynic, and I don’t say that because I hope we will get married. I say that simply because the love I share with you is too much for me. It is raw, it is passionate, it is all-encompassing, it is emotional, and it is everything. You’re the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. I feel incomplete when I’m not around you, and when you’re near it’s like everything is right in the world again. It is like our entire time together is a roller coaster of missing you, loving you, hating you, and needing you.

The first time I saw you, you were in your cabin, scribbling something. We introduced each other, shook hands and that was it for day one. I knew nothing about you except your name. I assumed you’re a ‘jaada’ type and during the first 2 3 months I barely noticed you. One day somehow we exchanged numbers and that was the beginning.

It was the typical best friend feeling whenever we talked and we became inseparable. The more we talked the more we realized that we had many things in common. It was likely for us to spend weekends together because we were in the same office. We always walked together and sat beside each other during lunch time before our works start again. This was when I thought of the possibility of you being someone I’d be with. No thoughts of those cuddling scenes in the movies, but there was this gut feeling in me that I’d be happy with you.

From some of our colleagues, I came to know that you have a girlfriend.  When I asked you about it, you said you’re not sure about it. You said it’ll happen if it’s meant to. I overheard you telling someone that you don’t need to talk all the time to your girlfriend to show that you care or to keep the relationship strong. I thought, “He’s so wonderful. He’ll probably marry that girl.” I thought about the faceless girlfriend who deserved someone like you. That was the day I started falling for you. Till that day, I was wrong about love. I thought love was hard and tiring. I thought it left dark circles under the eyes and miserable bruises inside and out. I thought for certain that love wasn’t worth it. I went to sleep thinking you were nice and smart and most of all: too good for me.

By the 8th month of knowing you, I developed a mega-crush on you. Every morning and every night, you were on my mind. Knowing that I’ll talk to you, the next day was just so exciting that my heart couldn’t take it. I didn’t know if this was love or what, but I just went with it because it made me happy.

One day I expressed my feelings for you. You said you also have the same feelings for me. You asked me to wait. You reminded me that you’re committed to a girl long back and your family is also aware of it. You said you can’t deceive her. You said you’ll marry me only if she walks out of your relationship on her own or if your family or her family confronts the relationship. But smitten that I was, I followed you around everywhere.

We still hung out together. We watched every new film that released and went to the park, beach, and the walkway. Sometimes we talked a lot. Sometimes we didn’t. But even when we were not speaking, we were just happy being together. I still remember the day I visited your house. I stayed there with your family for two days. I felt so good then. My hope for being together increased. I believed that we would be together soon.

On your birthday, I invited you to my house. We cooked; we saw movies in my laptop, listened to music, danced and talked for hours about almost everything around us. At 12 midnight, I gave you a birthday gift. And then we got into bed. The moment I felt your hand around my back, I went blank. A shiver ran down my spine and my hands felt cold. But to my surprise, I didn’t fear it. I looked into your eyes. I didn’t see lust; what I saw was genuine affection and caring. And a hint of guilt because of my reaction.

The next morning, we made love. We made out with an intensity we hadn’t felt before. It was so unexpected. Reason and logic melted away. It wasn’t easy for me. I allowed you to make love not just with my body, but with my soul as well. I just didn’t open up my clothes for you. Instead, I opened up my soul; let you into my spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, and dreams. The next day we sat together, fingers intertwined, shivering slightly from nervous anticipation.

After all these incidents I thought you won’t let me down. I believed you won't leave me. But all my hopes and dreams were shattered that day when you told me that you are not sure about our marriage. That moment, I didn’t know how to stand. I didn’t know if I should keep my hands on your hands or take my hands off. I didn’t understand how the world would keep turning. I was at a loss for words. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know what to think.

You said you are afraid of what your family will think about you if you tell them about me. You said that she is a small town girl and you fear that she will commit suicide if you tell her about me. But what about me?  Don't my feelings count for anything? Being brought up in a city doesn’t mean that I would be okay if you leave me. If you think that growing up in a city means that one doesn't value relationships, you are wrong. I know it’s not right to compel you to leave her. But can I ask you something? Can you tell me my role in your life? Who am I to you? A backup option? Do you think that you can pick me if you lose her? You say that you love me tremendously and I know that too. But then, why can't you just accept me in front of everyone?

You said time will heal everything. That I’ll be able to move on without you. No -----. I will never ever be able to get over this feeling. I’m not going to get over you in a day like you said. I might not even get over you in a year. It’s going to be a long unending process. Even just getting out of bed without thinking about you will be impossible for me. Making it through work without crying will be impossible. Brushing my teeth without thinking about you will be impossible. Waiting in line at the grocery store without thinking of you will be impossible. Going to bed without saying good night to you on the phone will be impossible. All I will be wondering about will be how you’re doing.

That night I couldn’t sleep. I hated the situation and I hated myself at that moment. I remembered you words over and over and over. I thought about your face and the expression you wore. I tortured myself with repeating the things you said and the things I said back. I couldn’t get your expression out of my head. I sat on my bed and cried thinking I’m not good enough. I counted all my flaws and felt worse about myself and just felt too ugly and alone.

Now it’s about two years since we have become friends (I don't know how to name this relationship). I’m sure that you’re the love of my life. But I never want to feel it again from anyone else other than you. That kind of pain and hurt mixed in with such passionate love is too much for me. It is too much for my heart to handle. And I’m walking around right now with a fear that I will be forced to give up the only person I might ever love.

I’ve lived my whole life behind certain walls. I was safe there. But something about you changed that. I still wonder the reason I let you in. I know there are other people, but I don’t want anyone else. I want you….. I want to be your favorite place to go when you have a bad day or a good day. I want to have that effect on you, where I touch you deeply without even being in your presence to touch you. I want you to look at me like nobody compare and refuse to look elsewhere. I want to be with you, to create a life together. I want to be the woman, partner and lover that you have always wished for. I hope this is a once in a lifetime kind of love for me, and I hope, one day you’ll come to me. Because just like a drug addict, I cannot give up my drug of choice (YOU).”

Closing the journal, she looked out of her bedroom window and saw the moon and the stars shining silver against the deep, damp, dark night sky. She wondered how far away they are. But still she could see them. Just like her love. She felt that with the sky and the stars, there’s no falling out of love.